I really don't know what to do. Lost is a way to describe how I feel. Like when you are in the mall, and you loose your mom on accident, and you can't find where she is, until some strange security man comes along and tries to help you find her. But you don't know who the hell that security guard is, and you're screwed anyway because you're mom's going to have a hell of a time screaming her face off in your direction when you two finally reunited.
I mean...I have enough trouble freaking out about 4.0s anyway, why the heck should I worry about anything else? The fact that I have two A minuses and screwed up two lit assignments because I was studying for midterms which dropped my grade from a 98 to a 96 drives me out of my MIND. I have so many goals to step up to, and in that way, I have no regard for any of my feelings.
The truth is, I feel like sh*t.
I don't feel happy.
I could have more then a hundred 4.0s, but letters and numbers will never bring true happiness. I just feel...expressionless.
Everyone says, "you're so happy!", but that just changes when I have some time to myself.
I should wait. Should I wait? See what happens? See if anything will ever change? But I've been waiting for so long...and now, just seeing and feeling and not just thinking about what happened in the past, but holding it in my hand no matter how much it was to be revenge, it was still a shock.
Why can't I give....up?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Confused
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Beautiful Things
Close
Are what make the
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Virgo II
We grow on
Virgo I
A piece of random
Anyone who is bored out of their mind, and needs something to listen to, listen to "Extreme Ways" by Moby. I just watched Bourne Ultimatum, and this is the first song in the end credits and what plays on the DVD main menu. It's addictive. That is, if you have my taste. Even if you don't, Moby is an amazing artist, and I recomend you check him out. My older brother got me hooked on him about two years ago with Play.
Just a little hint of randomness. Seeya.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election
I stared at the TV screen, seeing, but not hearing. I hope everything will be fine. But I know that things might get worse. Politics, emotions, everything in my head. Black sky outside my window. Throbbing inside my head. I don't know what to think. I feel....light...so light I just want to drift away and hope that everything ends.
I push my problems away and face back to reality.
"Who do you think is going to win, mom?" I ask.
"I don't know....but whoever does win, they are going to change history."
I nodd.
"But, the question is....will it be for better or for worse?"
My mom is silent.
I stare at my feet and plunge back into my own world.
I really need to sort everything out.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Cross Your Fingers and Your Ts(part 2 screw up)
Part two appeared a few days before today.
http://freeviruses4u.blogspot.com/2008/10/cross-your-fingers-and-your-ts-part-2.html
If ya care, go here.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Alive, Me Again
Friday, October 24, 2008
Cry
Monday, October 20, 2008
Cross Your Fingers and Your Ts (part 2)
The dark was obscured when a spot of light shone through the deepest crack in Marah's field of vision. It was small, but it blinded her, and she moaned in distress. She felt...disconnected, unaware and invalid, drinking in the shapes of the world reluctantly. As lines and colors formed in the slits of her eyes, she finally connected, her mind and her body becoming whole again.
The last thing she had seen through her wondrous eyes was the smooth black Jaguar, flashing past all its surroundings and coming in impact with...her!
She jolted upward, immediately regretting so when she felt an electrical current surge through her head. She was feeling pain...her entire body aching in tragic harmony. A sign, perhaps, that she was still alive?
But despite all the pain that seemed to be all balled up and turning her body into a blob of moosh, she felt a numb and distant sensation. Her eyes opened; it felt as if she were forcing herself to wake after a long, restless sleep.
When she looked around, she expected to see an IV, see the tubes winding like fettachini around her body...see the white walls stained with death...the shining linoleum floor.....the smell of anesthetic fresh in the air....
Instead, she was behind yellow tape that read: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION, her body sprawled on soft dewy grass. She heard men talking in serious tones, and the voices of women in distress.
She stood up. Bodies moved around her as if she was not in existence, and she almost thought she wasn't.
"Hello?"
Her voice cracked slightly. It had been so long since she had spoken, it seemed. Looking down at the grass, she saw no imprint of where her body once lay. For a brief moment, her head swam. What the...hell?
She walked, dragging her feet across the ground, but the grass seemed to go right through her feet. The commotion around her didn't include her at all. Bodies flew past in a blur, but she stood still.
"Hello?"
Her voice pierced through the den unnoticed. People continued to talk.
She listened to what they said, catching phrases and words, passing through her ears.
"Her family..."
"Worried..."
"Can they afford the bill?"
"In a coma...vitals are holding, but can she come out of it?"
"What about..."
"The man who was driving the car, will he be arrested?"
"They haven't caught him yet..."
"Car in a ditch, no trace of him..."
"But what about her, will they pull the plug?"
"She's only fifteen..."
The words hit her like tight fists. She felt herself choking.
Am I even....here?
No one saw her. They kept on talking.
"I'm right here! I'm right here! Can't you see me?"
There was no response.
"Hello?!"
Nothing.
She ran up to a woman, her brows furrowed and her wrinkles made definite by the lighting of the street lamps.
"Hello...?" She waved a hand in front of the woman's face.
She kept on talking.
Marah backed away.
What the hell is going on? Why the hell is no one seeing me? Am I invisible? Am I glass? Am I not even here?
Marah shook her head. She needed to get away from there. She needed to get away from there now. Before she could think twice, she bolted.
She pushed through the crowds and the police officers, but they didn't notice her. She shouldered and pushed against people with great force, but they paid no heed. No one budged from there position. It was as if Marah was in another dimension.
And maybe she was.
So she ran as fast as she could, away from where they had found her body.
Friday, October 17, 2008
mASK
Easily disposed
Words and thoughts that no one knows
Feelings that still cannot escape
At any given time or place
Your friend is the sky
It never let you hide
Anything that you could feel
Anything you thought was real
You hurt
And the blade that you once could feel
Once again feels much more real
Then you ever thought it would again
You just thought it was fine,
Hide it all away inside
The blood that runs
The pain that comes
Is only real to you
And no one else
So you ask
Should I....
Keep it all behind the mask?
The daily facade
That you put up in this play
This horrid
Shitty
Thing that we call life
You want to let it all come out
But are too involved to know right now
Just how
You could let it go so far
You think your crazy
You know you aren't
Somewhere inside
You know you're
Better than that
And you hate yourself
Because it's coming back
The times when you
would crack
Every time
And every line you crossed
Would just end up coming back
And swallowing you up again
And you hurt
You hurt
You just admitted that
It hurts
But only you know
You don't let it show
Just leave on the mask.
No body can tell
That you're not here
You're in your own hell
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Info (thrown together in a hurry)
Okay, so this is a little update.
The story that I started is going to be part of a series.
How long? I don't know right now. But if you don't think that the story is that completely wonderful and amazing, then you're right. I wrote it in two short sittings, and it came off the top of my head. The plot is forming in my mind. This story is going to be juicy.
But it's not near my best writing. I may revise it later, but for now I'm keeping it like it is.
So, a brief synthesis on the story. It's about a girl named Marah, about how she was just going through an average day in her life, and how suddenly she gets hit by a car, 'dies' and roams the world as a spirit. She sees everything an everyone on her life changing, and desperately tries to get someone to notice her. She'll eventually find someone, but I'm not getting into that now.
It's not real elaborate yet, but I'm starting to feel a connection to Marah, and in that way, I can put myself in her shoes and start writing as if I were actually her. It will be marvelous.
Other than that, I'll be posting one-post stories and poems along with it. Just to throw in while I develop a plot for my story. I'll make it as interesting as possible, I swear.
Well, this post is really choppy, and basically just thrown together. BUT I have a math report (yes, you heard me. Math report. I don't know why either, just don't ask), to attend to, so I will have to part before I can get back to you in another post. School is a pain.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Cross Your Fingers and Your Ts
Morning eyes cracked open as beams came down from heaven onto the base of the mattress. Fragments of shattered memories that had been broken apart by deep sleep wove themselves together again to form pictures in Marah's mind that she was sure had been only dreams. She felt dizzy, and her head was apart from her body, even though she knew that she had nothing to drink that night before. The party seemed like an age ago, and she was sure that nothing happened...
She ran her fingers down her neck to a patch of raw flesh that she was sure...
Her face turned red. Her body hatched goosebumps. It wasn't a dream.
She ran to the mirror, her hair frizzled from lack of conditioner, her makeup smeared from lack or removal, her eyes drooped from lack of sleep. But the raw flesh on her neck was completely noticeable, and had been from someone the night before. She blushed as she thought of the hazel eyes and the walnut hair....
She checked the time. The clock blinked twelve.
Sh*t.
Marah peered out the window. The sun was already high. She was going to be late. Her piano lesson was at ten. She quickly pulled off her shirt and put on a turtle neck, making sure the collar covered a huge portion of her neck. It did. Good. She didn't want anyone seeing, especially not her family members...
Running down the stairs, she jumped the last two and landed with a thunk with socked feet on the hardwood floor. She did a sharp turn into the kitchen, stomach growling eagerly for something before she flew out the door.
"Sooooo...." Marah heard the voice from the kitchen. She sighed and turned.
It was none other than her twin brother. Mark was a pain in the butt. Especially since being twins, they had some sort of mental connection. They understood each other, felt what each other was feeling, and all that jazz. That sounded cool to Marah at first, she thought she could form a close relationship with her brother, but it turned out just to be a form of annoyance to both of them.
"What?" She said flatly, scooting on the soles of her feet into the kitchen, awakening to the smell of eggs and toast. No matter how obnoxious her fifteen minute older brother was, he had the gift for making delicious food.
He stood with his back facing Marah, cooking something on the stove, spatula in one hand, glove in the other.
"I was just wondering if all this you're hiding from me, maybe, jusssssst maybe, has to do anything with your little lover boy, Roby?"
Marah turned her head sharply, so that her short burgundy hair hit her face.
"What if it does?" She glowered, her voice dripping with malice, "Stay out of my head, you little son of a-"
"Hey, hey!" Mark turned from his cooking, "Don't threaten me, baby girl! I ain't got nuthin' for you to be hatin'. I just wanted to know if you got a little further with him...your little boy toy..."
Marah hissed, "Shut it. There's nothing between us, nothing will be, it was all just a one night thing, I mean NOTHING to him, and he doesn't mean ANYTHING to me."
Mark grinned, knowledge sparkling in his eyes. Of course Marah was lying.
"Sure, sure. Whateva you say, baby girl. Want some eggs, dearest?"
Marah muttered something crossly, but soon found herself flying out the door, stomach jumbled with yummy eggs and toast.
The air was sharp, sharp like nails, but they didn't pierce Marah's lung. She inhaled the cool air welcomingly, loving the cold feeling of fall that was on her skin. She hurried along, her eyes scanning the ground below her, scanning the leaves and twigs that had been trampled into the sidewalk. The fall was at its peak now. Marah loved fall. Nothing was more beautiful when the world was dying for the year. Kind of sad, but fall brought so much joy. Cider, donuts, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and everything that anyone could look forward to. It was a time for hot chocolate, and a time to watch freaky movies and take trips to horror houses. The best part of all.
Marah was walking down the road, content and feeling more alive every second.
There was something more between her and Roby. Was it the way he said her name? Was it the way they snuck out sometimes, to dark, secluded places? Was it the way she was always happy when she was around him? She didn't know, but she was sure this was love. How couldn't it be? Roby had accepted her, her and all her faults, and loved her just as much as she loved him. She couldn't have been luckier.
Her life was completely in line. She couldn't have been happier. She found herself skipping along with a tune in her head, finding herself tapping keys on her baby grand, her beloved piano that had brought so much happiness to her, almost as much as Roby did. The joys of her life. She sighed in happiness.
The silence of the morning was cut in half by a siren. A police car.
It was followed by several others. What was this....a chase?
Marah stopped for a moment, squinting into the distance. Was it up ahead?
The sirens got louder, echoing throughout the small suburb. It was so unnatural to hear of any crime down here. Everyone was peaceful, and the crime rates were so low.
People stood out on their porches, talking amongst themselves in confusion, as the sirens got louder.
There was a squeaking of rubber on pavement, and the sound of an accelerating vehicle as it seared down the road, down the street and through the burbs.
In the distance Marah could see a small black dot, growing bigger, and bigger by the moment.
She examined the car. It was nice. A Jaguar, polished to perfection. A stolen vehicle?
The thought spiked Marah's interest. It was coming this way? Her heart pounded in her chest. If this was indeed a chase, she could be in potential danger.
But she was far enough away from the road....wasn't she? She looked at her surroundings. Not really. A few feet from the road. As the car grew larger and closer, people yelled at her from their porches.
"Get out of the way, kid!"
But she didn't move. Something else wasn't letting her. And as the car grew closer and closer, and the sounds grew louder and louder, she saw that the escape car was coming.....directly toward her.
But she couldn't move. She was planted. People yelled at her, screaming for her to get away from the road. But something held her interest.
Some sort of familiarity.
As the car neared, until it was so close, and the wind was full of yelling and screeching, did Marah blink back into reality.
She was in danger. Serious danger.
She moved out of the way, as fast as she could.
But she was standing on a curb. And as a black Jaguar going at seventy miles per hour rounded the corner, it swerved completely off the road.....
There were bright headlights
shouts
confusion
The last thing Marah ever saw was....
the flashing light.
then there was nothing
nothing but
darkness.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Rubber
I think I'm going to change my blog into more like a creative writing blog...how does that sound? I can't really just write when I'm feeling, when I need to put my feelings through a creative filter before putting them onto paper. Plus, I don't know if anyone might read this blog that I know, so I sure as hell don't want to write with just plain names and plainly stating the obvious.
I think I'll write mini-series, like a continuation off of my "My Neighbor is a Murderer" little blurb I wrote a few months back. I can turn that into a real story. Of course, none of it will be true, it's just that my neighbor scares the crap out of me. Even people I bring over think he's creepy. Well, at least I tell him I think he's creepy. But SHHHHHHHHHH, what if he read this?
And maybe I'll start writing poems again; I feel inspired ever since one of my friends said, "I really liked that poem you wrote....it was....AMAZING." I was flattered. I seriously thought I had sunk to on all time low on poetry. I just haven't attempted anything in a while, aside from a cute little poem I wrote about a month ago in literature class (I'll post it, it's great), which is a fun thing to sing to a tune. You'll see.
So that's basically it. I changed the layout because I was sick and tired of looking at the tree. I mean, it was cool, but I just wanted to change it. So now it's a rose. YAYYY. Or at least when I first changed it was. I dunno, I might change it again.
This is me saying goodbye. (!!!!not really....)
I probably won't make as many blurbs like this, but hey! Who cares? I have a whooping zero reading my blog. I mean, I read it from time to time just because I laugh at alot of stuff I've written. Seriously, some of this stuff is hilarious. But you aren't me, so my perspective is probably different. Plus, I'm a crazy woman, so things generally all appear different to me.
HERE WE GO!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I hate myself.
I've had the crappiest day.
I've had the crappiest past several days.
I feel like one of those deranged plastic toys that got goofed up on the assembly line. So they throw it out, or recycle it, so maybe it can be used again, but will always end up in the trash.
I can't tell anybody.
My best friend can't talk at the moment.
I feel like I have no one to go to.
People I care about have been turning around and lashing out at me, or ignoring me, or just won't be around me. I feel like even God has left me, just sitting here, alone in my room. And I'm afraid, because I might do something that I might regret, something that might come back to hurt me.
And I'm scared because when I thought of that thing, my heart raced with excitement.
I don't want to feel this way.
I don't have a cure, and I feel like I'm falling.
And now I feel like I'm just complaining, and that it doesn't matter, and that someone will say, "Just grow UP!" or tell me that this is all just a stupid game, and laugh and say that it's no big deal, but how could it be no big deal when it hurts this much?
I think up remedies, I think up cures, but none of them work, and I want them to, because I have so little to hold onto anymore, because I'm just that rejected toy that no one wants, that you play with, and get sick of after a while. I'm just collecting dust and feeling old, I'm only in other people's way, I guess I can't help anyone.
I guess there's no way of knowing how I can get better.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
*THWACK*
Is the sound that is made when a shoe comes randomly flying across the room and hits me in the face.
I'm being LAZY!
That's why I feel like a piece of crap.
I'm not getting what I want because I'm refusing to see logic. I'm like the fat man on the sofa who refuses to take the garbage out, and who therefore has a house that smells like wet dog and moldy cheese. I'm the little kid throwing a tantrum because they can't get what they want in an instant. I just need to grow up. Wipe my tears and say "To hell with this!" and get on.
Because I've spent WAAAAAY too much time feeling sorry for myself.
If I'm having a problem with the way some certain friends are treating me, then you know what? I'll have a talk with them. If I want to somehow make things the way they were again, then you know what, I'll find a way. If I want my grades to go up and beyond, then you know what, I'll study my little ass off. If I want to be a good writer, than I'll screw what my literature teacher says and start writing.
I admit I don't want to get up off my butt, but I'll have too. I'm a slave to my problems, working for them, trying to shrug them off. I've hit the brick wall, and I can't get over it. Grappling hook gone, no spidy-powers for me, I guess I'll use my bare hands. Scrapes and bruises? F*ck it, I've seen worse. Tears and sweat, to hell with that! Low self-esteem and unhappiness? I have worse to worry about.
And I'll just keep climbing, and climbing, and whatever makes me want to fall will just have to be pushed aside, because I know myself to be better than that, and I know what I have to do for myself. I'll be angry, I'll be upset, I'll be sad, I'll be hurt. But I always will be. I'm not going to be perfect. And in the end, I'll get what I want, even if I don't get it for days, or months, or years. I'll work till I'm old and dead.
I'll make friends, I'll love, I'll care. Maybe I'll get over what has happened, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stay true to what I have in mind right now, and maybe I'll change my goal. I don't know if I will, but I stand strong now. Out of my way, I'm taking out the trash, I'm wiping my tears. I'll live my life.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A day at IA
Just a little blurb I decided to do, a little about how a spend my life as school. Some times interesting things happen, sometimes days are bland. Ya never know.
Anywhere between 3:00AM to 6:30AM
-Get up painfully
-Study for some sort of test/quiz painfully
-Do everything else that normal people do in the morning painfully (eat, brush teeth, scratch self, etc.)
7:00AM-7:45AM
-go to school, wander the halls, search for people I know. Go to first period and fool around
7:45-9:15AM
Speech or Art class, depending on the day, try to focus
Somewhere in between
Chat, eat, drink, swear, grab books, pee, trip, fall, push, shove, run, scream, yell, attack, die
9:25-10:50AM
Biology or Math, DOODLE TIME!
10:50AM-12:20PM
French or World Studies, prayforfood,prayforfood,prayforfood
12:20-1:05PM
LUNCHHH! Fortunately IA has a large fatty selection of multi-million calorie foods.
1:05-2:35PM
Last block, Literature or Physics, listen to ADD/OCD teacher talk on about newest video games and his new cat calender. Sleep.
2:35-3:30PM
"Do homework" HAHAHAHAHA
3:30-7:00PM
Drive home, work, go to kung fu, eat
7:00-10:30PM(or 1:00AM on a bad day)
Study thy ass off, working on flashcards and all that crap. Die from anxiety and worry. Pray that I do well and that all my ''A"s STAY "A"s. Call a friend while getting distracted. Realize how stupid of an idea that was and study 2343797 times as much.
After a short slept night...
WAKE UP AND DO IT AGAIN!
So that's basically how things go for me at school. I'm not a bad student either. Right now I'm getting really good grades, so I'm all pumped. But it's hard. I'm not lying when I say that International Academy is hard. An over achievers dream.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Ummph...
(How's that for a creative title?)
Idon'tfeelliketalkingorpressingthegoddamnspacebar,thestupidassthingdownbelowmyfingers.
But I will.
I don't feel like getting up in the morning, only to see that the clock reads 5:30 AM.
But I will.
I don't want to go home and study for my freaking math quiz, and think about how bad I might have down on my biology quiz.
But I will.
I don't want to have to give some kid these notes from all the classes he missed.
But I will.
I don't want to have to talk to anyone again, or deal with anyone, or face anyone, or see anyone.
But I will.
I don't want to wait, I want everything NOW, I don't want to wait for it to happen later, I want it NOW.
But I will.
I don't want to think about how I might have been able to change things before they ended up like this.
But I will.
Because everything right now is just a mess, and I feel hurt, and I feel happy, and I feel upset, and I feel sad, and I want to cry, and I want to laugh, and I want to frown, but I just keep smiling. I want something to happen, something that can reverse the change, something that can bring things back to the way they were. I want things to be right. But what if this is right? What if things are supposed to happen this way, and that it'll all turn out all right, maybe not the way I want it, or maybe exactly the way I want it, but maybe it will just all turn out.
I don't even want to be ALIVE right now.
But I'll just keep on living anyway.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Bike Ride
I push the pedals and roll out of the driveway, bumping gently up and down as I ride toward the solid, new concrete of Eleven Mile. The sun is yet to set in the west, and I can see the shadows of the world grow longer, I become a ten foot giant in the eyes of the sun. I roll on down into Huntington Woods a.....woodsy area. The tree canopies bend down, dark shapes touching the sky. They are everywhere, making the world seem dark, but appearing kind at the same time, a nice, cool, reassuring feeling.
I ride toward the zoo, letting my worries and unhappiness blow away with the gentle wind that caresses me. I ride down a winding street, and get glimpses of zoo goers, of lemurs, camels, and giraffes. I see the bear fountain pumping out water that glistens like tiny prisms in the setting sun. I continue to ride, and feel a cool sensation overwhelming, and smile to myself.
I continue along the winding path until I hear the roar of the freeway. I inhale exhaust and fumes from cars, and the sent of fresh grass disappears. I am now riding next to Woodward, riding along the zoo until Woodward turns into 696. I turn along with the sidewalk, passing under the parking structure. I continue on west, the zoo walls next to me, and the cars on my left side. I am riding toward the setting sun, the never-dying eye of God. It grows weaker as it goes onto the next side of the world, soon to be replaced by God's right eye. The glorious moon.
I realize that I may never stop riding, I don't want to. I want to keep the image of the orange and blue in my head forever.
I turn then, back toward the east, which grows darker and darker by the second. I ride and ride, streamlining myself so that I fly on by, my leg muscles flexing as I feel the wind against my chest. I pass by everything once more, not going back into the now haughty woods. I continue to pedal, seeing the street were Tristan lives. I wonder what he would think if I just showed up there right then and there. I wonder how hard it would be to resist the temptation to just turn down his street and ride on down toward him. Summer is over, but I don't want it to be. It's too soon, school is already in, and I don't want to go on without him. I want to see his face every day like I used to, I want him to feed my senses like he always does. I pass by his street, and continue down toward mine. I could fall in his arms right now, any time I would. But I have the strength to breathe on my own. I have the strength to be my own.
An ambulance seers by at the speed of light, my ears splitting from he echoing siren. I wonder if he can hear it too. I wonder if he wonders if I can hear it. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's in his own world right now.
My street is approaching, and I turn down it, toward the west, were the orange and the blue form the milky indigo that looks so much like the setting sun in my painting for Tristan. An incomplete work of art that I have to finish by the 16th. I have no doubt I will.
The way the sky looks, is so unrealistic, I swear I fall in love. The sky is always perfect, no matter what. It always finds a way to look beautiful. Each time in a different way.
I approach my home, the sun almost gone.
I pull into the driveway and my bike ride ends, I look at the calming lavender sky one last time, the color that reminds me of love.
I put my bike away and enter my house. I turn on the radio and the ceiling fan spins slowly above my head. I look outside, to see a pitch black sky, the beads of my curtains reflecting a dark blue image back at me. I look outside to see the forms of the trees, and the light dark blue west. I take one last look, then close my blinds. I turn off the music and I lay in my bed. I close my eyes for the last time for the day and I fall into sleep.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Phone Call (not my song, I just love the lyrics)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I am giving BIRTH through my freaking ear
That's what it feels like. Sounds painful? You can bet it does. I want to explode. I think I'm going deaf. It HUURRRRRTTTS. Ow ow ow ow ow ow. I can imagine middle ear juices oozing out. Well, if it stops, it works. Just go AWAY!
Well, I think the pain killers are kicking in a bit....that's good. I might have to OD on Tylenol PMs if I want to get to bed. Oh god, never mind, it's coming back. I'm going to have little mutant ear babies. HELP MEEEE!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Poking my brain
I hate when I can't think of anything to post. When I just stare at the screen and think...well, what comes next?
My skin is paper, and right now I'm being pierced by needles. I guess that would describe my feelings. God I don't know. Just existing sucks. I want to be twenty. The whole teenager gist left behind me, and then I can see where I am. What I have, what I've left behind. Just to find out where I would be. Just a glimpse.
Or would a glimpse just ruin everything? I guess time is just a weird tube that extends through everyone's life. You spend it, you keep it, you have it, you lose it. Sounds poetic.
But...ugh, I don't know. I feel so confused. And...I don't know! ERRR! It kills me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. It's like a ton of emotions in a rubber band ball that bounces around in my head, giving me headaches and making me feel...like....like....well, so hard to describe, and for the love of God, I just want it to go away. I want help. Maybe I do need a freakin' therapist. I just don't get anything....I don't know. Oh God, I don't know.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I'm alive!
And it seems like only moments before I thought I was going to die. Well, I'm alive, and I'm good. No one is going to come and kill me, and all the windows are locked, and there's no crazy man in my house, and it's safe to turn off the lights. A few can stay on though. I'm a little paranoid.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Don't count the days
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
As I painted...
I was thinking about acceptance. Maybe it was the smell of acrylic paint, or the feel of canvas underneath my brush, or the fact I had had a conversation about it earlier, my mind just turned to it.
I guess you find the good in people without realizing it. I was thinking about all the people I disliked...and then I realized that I've known those people for so long. How was I able to put up with them for so long? It was because I found the good in them. But all the time, every time, I always thought of the bad. The reasons to avoid them, the reasons not to deal with them. But in the end they were still there, and that's because I saw good in them too. It's just that I noticed the bad. Like Tristan said, the bad things are easier to find. Even though, if you look hard enough, the good is easy to find too.
It kind of made me feel better, since it had been kind of bugging me. It was just because I was being to thick in the head at the beginning. I needed to be more open minded. I needed to metaphorm. (I've been reading those books on how to think like a genius. I thought I'd need them help). And now that I have, It's made it easier to think.
But now...since I've spent the past two and a half hours painting, I'm going to wash off all the green and blue paint and SLEEP. I'm dead.
Take control of the atmosphere
Being a teenager is weird. I was watching the Secret Life about fifteen minutes ago, and wondering if teenagers really do act like that. Or it's either just bad acting. I think the third episode was the only really good one. This one was kind of....stupid. Especially the whole issue with Grace and trying to defend herself with the broken bottle. What kind of news station plays that over and over again? You want something interesting? Film a dark alley in Detroit. That sounds kind of harsh.....but it's the first comparison that comes to mind for me.
I felt really...light today. Like everything slowed down and the whole world was at peace. Like when I stuck my fingers out the window and felt the silky air, tingly and soft. It felt like I was high...off of life.
It lasted about two hours. Now I feel the same. Confused, slightly I guess. Just the same old same old worry. Nothing new at all.
Staying strong is hard. (my thoughts are skipping around, I know) I was thinking yesterday about being a woman. I mean, it's hard holding yourself up high especially when you're a woman. It's harder to get respect. It's hard not to feel...so much. It's overwhelming. I guess it's something that has gone on for a while. I mean, when you're a woman, it seems like men always have one more advantage. And you always hear about the damsel in distress. Why not the dude in distress? Discrimination is hard too. And I get a lot of shit like anyone else. I might be just walking, and I'll get something thrown at me. It pisses me off. I hate how I can barely walk out of my own house.
And I was thinking, just about how God created man from the earth, and than created woman from the man's bones. That doesn't mean we're inferior.
I think God created woman like that because he knew we could handle the discrimination. He new that there would always be a fight between the two genders. He knew he would have to prepare us. We're not inferior, we're just the same as anyone else. He knew we'd be able to handle it better. I'm not saying anything like I'm biased, but I just think that it's hard...but it's something every woman has to put up with. If you don't, you're not going to make it far.
A bit of a look into what I've been feeling for the past few days. And amazingly...after the 100 degree weather, the humidity and horrible weather, I feel cold. I think I'll get a sweater...
Friday, July 18, 2008
Did you make it to the Milky Way?
At the moment I'm searching my head for something to blog about...
Well, today my mother bought me a ticket to see Paramore on August 13th with Gaby. WOOHOO! I envy Hailey's hair. I once was told my hair looked like the lead singer of Paramore's, and I flipped. I adore her hair. It's like fire, red,with orange tips, with straight and spiky look. My hair could never do something like that. Apparently it's 'unworkable'. But that's because I never do anything to it. I could care less, and I like the way it curls at the tips if I just leave it. I feel the same with makeup. Acne goes away, eventually. Who cares if you don't cover it up? Everyone gets it. Only if your face is covered with it, and you can see puss oozing out, like Mt. Vesuvius waiting to burst and cover Pompeii. What a horrible image. Minor breakouts are okay. that's what I normally get. And then again...dear blog, why do you care?
I'm typing double spaced and I don't know why. Earlier I was typing in Hindi. I don't know Hindi. I can only read in...English and...French? Maybe I'm giving myself more credit than I deserve once more. Protege moi! I heard that in a Placebo song. It's 'protect me', if you haven't already figured it out.
Speaking of Milky Ways, I like them. And I guess the actually Milky Way is pretty sweet too. God, I've clearly been watching too much That 70's Show. It's been killing off my poor learning-deprived brain cells. But that's okay, because the Board of Education is making sure I go to school a month before everyone else. I go back in...viola! twenty days. Isn't that just DUCKY? I know, why compare the days left between now and school with the qualities of a duck. Because I can. And it's an actually English word. Probably just as English as the word 'uber'. UBER AND DUCKY! And a ton of other weird 21st century words.
What an utterly pointless post! Well, I guess you can make something of it. The ramblings of a mindless fourteen year-old girl. Literally, my brain works about 1/2% less than it used to. And what, didn't Albert Einstein use 6% of his brain?
Any who, I have to work tomorrow, and I'm going to an art fair. Yay! Hurray! I'm going to leave your poor soul hanging on the last few syllables as I leave you behind and go to bed.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Peer Pressure
Teenage years are the most vulnerable years, in my opinion. It's the years when you're turning into an adult. You're growing up. You're in control of how you live your life...and how you're going to end up. Sure you have other people to push you along, but in the end, you make the decision.
So, I had an emotional moment today. I feel like I've drawn closer to that person. I feel like I've drawn closer to myself.
Now that I'm all set on that...
I hope I don't fall into peer pressure. The chances of something like that happening to me are...fifty fifty to tell you the truth. When I feel upset, there's no limit to what I might do. It's my nagging conscious that has brought me through these days. It's my friends and supporters that have held me up, enough to get me through fourteen whole years. And of course, God. I'm a religious person, even if people never really see it. I pray every night, read the Bible, and try to keep myself as connected with God as I possibly can. It's one relationship I don't think I have to worry about. And I don't really have any relationships to worry about right now. Everything is good.
Well, things happen, every day, every where, I guess I can't change that. I can't change much. But I guess I can change a little.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Music
I love the way music feels.
I guess if you know, you'll understand.
When you want to suck every ounce of energy from the pulsating sound?
Letting it flow through your pores?
The way you move.
You can feel it becoming part of you.
The adrenalin rush that makes you feel so...free.
The sound becomes you.
The lyrics a story of your life.
Tragic or happy,
it's an amazing thing.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I think like I write
I never really paid close attention, but when I think, I write out my thoughts. I think like I'm in a story, and that everything is happening to me as the main character, and that I'm writing my thoughts into a permanent book that lies in the back of my mind. I wish I could find some magic way to access it. What was I thinking a year ago on this day? If I remember correctly, today was the day that I flew home from France. A day after the French Independence day.
And I was thinking today. Writing into my head. About the people in my life. I always think about them. And I was set thinking about them more after talking to Stephanie. Will they be there forever?
Okay, so mainly I was thinking about Tristan. I know my friends will be there forever. And I know Tristan's my friend. At least I hope he thinks of me as the same way I do. I love him, like I'm in love with him, like a brother, and then like a best friend. And I think of all my friends like siblings. Most of the time I feel like an older sibling. I am older a lot of the time too. Well, at least in a few cases. But I was just thinking about permanence...I guess that's what I worry about when I think about Tristan. Because I miss him all the time because...well, I don't know how he'll feel tomorrow. Or how I'll feel tomorrow. I'm basically 101% sure that I will feel the same tomorrow, if not even stronger. But...I mean, it's just because I know that the friends I have are already permanent. I know they'll be for me forever. But what about him? And that leads to questions about other people. Like what about Sifu? Sifu's the best teacher I've ever met. And Tristan's the best person I've ever met. What if I lost them? At that point, I don't know.
But...I don't think I will. Because I have this feeling...it's a feeling like I want to break down and cry...but it's....good. It's happy. I like the feeling. I want to feel this way. I want to feel loved like this forever. Because I've never felt that way before. It feels awesome. If it's meant to last forever, all these people in my life that I love so much, then it will. If not...then I don't know. It wasn't meant to be? No, I will make it meant to be. Nothing is impossible.
So I close my book on that thought right then, and then shove it into the dusty shelf with the volumes of my life. I lock the door and hide the key. The story of my life to myself. The story that I will some day share with everyone. The story I have already shared with some. It's one of my personal favorites.
Monday, July 14, 2008
In need of a creative writer?
I went on Craigslist today, just to see what was out there...and I found this ad for posting content to a creative writing website in Detroit. Hmmmm, that would be interesting. Part time, at home. Both of which I can do. But how experience would I need? I mean, I can write well, well enough as a poet and well enough as a fictional writer, if you believe me. I'm fourteen now, so technically I can be hired legally now. I don't think I need any papers, or if I do, I can get the from the Child Labor Department. But I would love that. Working part-time to post on a creative writing website? It would be a perfect way to improve my writing skills and to display what I can do. Don't you think?
And I found someone who needs someone to write thank you cards, each individual and unique. That could also call for some creativity. Sounds a bit bland, though. But I favorited each, and I'm going back to them tomorrow, of course, that is, if I talk to my parents first. My imagination is tingling at the thought. Creative writer? Part time? Compensation $100? Sounds like I'm needed.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
My neighbor is a murderer
Sweat ran down my forehead, my shirt was soaked from the hot summer night. I come out when the moon is highest, and when the sun is as far away as possible. I wait till the crickets chirping and the far away sounds of nighttime commuters are all that is of the noises of the night. I wait until this side of the world is asleep, and those in Japan are just waking up. Then, when all the lights are out, in all the houses....when all the dogs stop yapping....when all the cars are in the driveways...when all the talking stops...only then, I will come out, when I think everything is safe.
I slip out of the house, making sure the side door doesn't squeak. I don't want to wake my fiance. I don't want to deal with her. I step out onto the warm pavement, and then make my way into my garage. I turn the light on on the side, and then I get to work.
Yesturday's victim:
Young brunette, I'd say in her early twenties. Close to my age. Beautiful, I'd say. Her lifeless eyes shine like emeralds. Like precious jewels...and her skin...so pale...so soft....I want it.
I lay her out on the fold out table, on the soft cloth, in the dark part of the garage. I caress her face with the side of my hand...dark against her paper-white skin. Ahhh, yes, her skin.
I go toward the wall, feeling my way around....yes, there it is....I use my nails to remove a piece of wood on the rotted wall, where I keep all my beloved tools. I take one in particular, my dear friend, a sharp, smooth, stainless steel knife....it will cut you with just a glance. A wicked smile creeps across my face as I make my way back to the table....
(exert from what I think would be written in my neighbor's journal)
What does he do there at night? Doesn't he see that my blinds are up, and that I can clearly see him from where I sit? It looks like he's that weirdo guy from Disturbia, the one who kills all these people, and then stuffs them in the vents through out the house. Only to be discovered by some teenager that's cooped up on the house all summer....me. EEK! I hope I'm not his next victim.
Crappy Tuesdays
I've never really liked Tuesdays. Boring, uneventful, and unlucky for the most part. Well, this Tuesday was unlucky. And just plain freaky.
So, when I get frustrated, I exercise. Or when I feel emotionally overwhelmed. So, lately, I've been feeling emotionally overwhelmed. So I've been going on these six or eight mile bike rides. So I went on one today, and everything was swell. Except at about mile marker six my bike broke. Normally the chain just falls off, but I have no clue in hell what happened to it. I figured that if I just put it back on it would be just fine again.
WELL I WAS WRONG.
After I let out a string of curses, I found myself running with my bike back home. Where else? My mom was out, so if she found out that I wasn't at home, she would ground me, and skin me alive. And not to mention it looked like it was going to rain. So I tried to get home as fast as I could.
THEN I was stopped by some crackhead, who apparently had something VERY interesting to say, and I was scared out of my mind. I thought he was going to...do something to me. I was about to cry when I started running from him. It was while I was running a speeding car decided to turn round a corner and nearly kill me over. I was in a panic. There were so many ways I could killed. And then when my mom would find out, I would be grounded forever.
Fortunately, after spending half an hour to scrub the bike oil off of my hands, legs, and calves, my mom wasn't home to inforce punishment. And now I just feel like a wad of crap. Greaaaaat.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The Best Week of The Year!
Because I'm turning fourteen this Friday.
YIPPEE!
So when I started this blog, it was a month before I turned thirteen. So I've been on this blog since I was twelve. So basically, a bit over a year. I'm so shocked I've been able to keep up with it so far. This is the third time I made a blog, and I feel like I've put a lot of effort and commitment into it. And a lot of thought. Sometimes I ponder MUCH more than I write. It's because most of the time I can have trouble transferring my thoughts into plain written text. It's where my writer's block comes from. I always have ideas, I'm just either too afraid that they'll sound stupid, or I'm too embarrassed to reveal what I'm really thinking. Which leads into a HUGE web of confusion that is me. But anyway, that's veering from the subject.
So I'm gunna spend my week doing whatever the hell I want. And I'm in a strangely good mood, despite the fact that Tristan is gone for a week. Maybe it's because he's at scout camp, with all guys, and that I won't have to worry about him getting snatched up by any other chick. Which I think wouldn't be very probable, anyway. I trust him, almost more than myself.
But, this week I want to get a pet. Either a rat, a parrot, or a fish. I'm leaning away from a fish. And a parrot might get really obnoxious. Unless it's a quiet bird. I doubt there's very few around. But maybe a bird would like the sound of my techno music and heavy medal. Plus, it would get a lot of fresh air. I have the windows open most of the time. And thankfully, most living things tend to survive in this room. MooMoo the Bamboo gets along fine. He gets lots of air and gets watered every week. Not a yellow spot on him. Very healthy. I guess my bird would thrive. I sound like I would be horrible pet owner. Better than some people, at least.
Well, I'm going to sign off. Michael's going to be over soon, so we can make our own version of Jackass. I'll post tomorrow. Seeya.
Monday, June 30, 2008
My dojo
I feel like talking about my dojo. The aura around that place is amazing. I never walk out of the dojo upset. There's people there that I see outside of my every day life, out of my continuous string of school and work. During the summer, it becomes a bigger priority. I go every time I possibley can, which would mean six classes per week. I see the regular people there. The instructors, my friends, Sifu. I'll talk a bit about them.
Sifu:
"Sifu" meaning teacher in Chinese. Sifu really has earned the title of "Siju", which means master in Chinese, but decided that Sifu qualified good enough by his standards (I did research on that...amazing what you can find on the internet). He's a really interesting person. I hear good things about him. I hear bad things about him. At first, I was so interested in his character, I didn't know how to look at him. Now I look up to him. He's like....a mutt....I guess you could say, if that makes sense. He's a mix. He's not just one thing, he's several other. He's kind, mean, compassionate, serious, easy-going, he's just Sifu. I didn't have the best impression about him at first, but now I think he's amazing. I also believe I'm the only one of the kids to realize that he can read minds. It became obvious me earlier this year. It may sound crazy, but it's totally and completely possible and true.
Mr. Trent:
Bubbly and excited. Always smiling. He has lines on his face from smiling 24/7. He's really bouncy too. Literally, the first time I saw him he was jumping up and down. He's not a kid, he looks like he's twenty-something-or-other. His presense is always enjoyable. He's someone that would make the most depressed person of the most depressed people on this entire planet smile.
Miss M:
In my opinion, she would make an excellent teacher. Of course, she's only about twenty, so I don't think she nessecarily would get all the respect she deserves. She's someone I can relate too. She understands what I feel I guess. You can't really describe what it's like, it's just something you'd have to experience for yourself.
Mrs. D:
She reminds me of my mom. Only older. And a bit happier. 'Nough said.
Mr. G:
Now he is a teacher. He sticks out too. He seems sort of like an akward person. Not a very good younger-kid-person. He's stiff, and when he talks, it's almost monotone. And he scares me somewhat.
Then I have my kung-fu friends. I love them. They're like siblings to me. Everyone at that dojo feels like a sibling to me. It's just....kind of like a long-lost family. If I don't go there for a long time, I feel terrible. Like I'm homesick. I'm pretty sure it's homesickness. I miss it there.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Married
Yes, I'm getting married.
SURPRISE!
Well, my brother is getting married, not I. But if I was getting married, you, my dear blog would be.....the......sixth person I would inform. But I'm already married. I got married on a bus in Chicago. Ha.
So yeah, it's my brother's wedding, a cause for celebration. The ceremony is today at six, the reception and dinner at eight. I would feel a lot more excited for him if it weren't for the fact I'm ineligible to take a nap. I got my stupid hair done, so now I can't mess it up, or else the effect of half a can of hair spray will go to waste. Joy. I can feel fifty some barrettes poking multiple places throughout my cranium.
So how is my life? Good, I would say. I feel like I'm in place, and so is everything else. I guess things could be better, (like I could get a chance to sleep before midnight), but other than that I'm content with life.
Yesterday I just had a realization....it was like an epiphany...I just...felt like I suddenly had the power to do anything I want, and that damn right I should. And it hasn't gone away. It's been sticking to me, and I sure as hell want it to stay. I know I'm not invincible, but I can make myself believe I'm anything I want.
I guess I'm a lucky person. Well, yeah, I am a very lucky person. I have my guitar, I have kung-fu, I have my awesome friends, I have Tristan. All of those things make me happy. And I'm glad I have them. And I'd do anything not to lose them. Maybe it's because I went through lohan yesterday...a kung-fu test from hell. And maybe, throughout all the horse-stances and Uncle Willies, I felt like I could do anything. That this feeling was great. That I didn't have to live my life by anyone else's standards, just by my own. I was a ruler. I owned myself. I'm not a loser. I have a purpose. I've changed peoples' lives. I've done awesome things. I have talents, abilities, and potential. Just because I'm locked up in house all summer doesn't mean my life is over. It means God just wants me to take a break. And I'm glad I'm getting that break. I've needed it.
Any who, I have a wedding to go to soon. Well, not really soon at all. But, duty calls. And my b-e-a-utiful nails are done drying, and I'm going to do other things to make me look descent. Seeya later.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Scared
I'm just suddenly...scared. For no apparent reason. I just felt this huge pit of emptiness open up, and then I just couldn't settle down. I started to panic, and then I felt on the verge of tears, and I really had to talk to someone. Now I feel lonely. And I have no clue what brought on this feeling when I was just chipper this morning. My mouth feels like cardboard. And my mind is racing. I just want to write to let out some of my feelings. So I can feel better.
What am I scared of? What is driving me insane right now?
I think I'm afraid to live. I think I'm afraid of everything that's going to happen in my life, and how the hell I'm going to take it. I think I'm scared of everyone I love, and how I know they can hurt me. I think I'm scared of betrayal, and feeling left out. I think I'm scared of heaven, and scared of...forever. A concept I can't grab. I think I'm scared of myself, and afraid to look down deep inside and find out what is there. I think I'm scared of what people will think of me...and what I'll think of them. I think I'm scared of no one loving me, of eternal blankness and unhappiness. I think I'm scared of death, not for me, but for others. I think I'm so scared of change that I don't want to accept anything anymore. I think I'm scared of self-esteem, and how easy it is to lower it. I think I'm scared of pain....both physically and emotionally. I think I'm scared of everyone, and everything, and anyone. I think I'm scared to admit that I'm scared. I think I'm scared that I'll realize how scared I really am, and how everyone else is probably so scared, they too don't know how to cope.
I'm too scared to stop writing, I'm too scared to move, I'm too scared to admit my mistakes, and I'm too scared of not being able to find out what comes next.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Gaby and Tristan's love
Well, I just checked my email on my MSN account, and found out that I got a response from Gaby and Tristan when I sent them an email before I went to Florida. I was really disappointed with Tristan's response:
"no one forgot about you Sarah. I love you more! -Tristan"
While on the other hand, Gaby's message was much more touching:
"SNARAH my dearest my lover my best friend I LOVE YOU i miss you already and i need you by my side call me soon cuz i need to hear you voice i love you soo much i dont kno if you have ur computer rite now but if you do i better get an immeadiate ressponce!! i love you my dearest and always remember that!! also remember that im NUMBER ONE!! Hellz Yeah!! he he well now that i got that off my chest... I CALLED HER ON THE PHONE AND SHE TOUCHED HERSELF!! WHEN I WATCH YOU WANT TO DO YOU RITE WHERE UR STANDING YEAHHH!! *DEEP BREATH* HELLO? *DEEP BREATH* WAHH.. WAHH.. WAHH.. WAHH!! LOL MAYBEE I SHOULD TAKE OFF CAPS LOCK LOL. there we go very calm then again i like chaos but whatever i do what i want. i have a new song for us to love and over sing its called i kissed a girl lol its by katy perry lol she has another song called ur so gay i like that one too its ends: UR SO GAY AND YOU DONT EVEN LIKE PENIS lol i love love love love love love love lobe love love love love love love love love love love love you!! sareah ill miss you while im at arcadia im leavin in the morning for it so i wont have computer axcess so i cant e mail ypou so this is the only one you will recieve frum me but u can still call me cuz im sneakin my cell. i wonder if this message will go on forever and ever and ever and ever... do you think sooo? what do you think sarah? i kno what you think. you think about me and tristan and me somemore and how you want to to my dog and how bologna is gross.. *mummble*yes yes yes yes yes yes that is what you think about all the time.i hope we can get together so we can eat sweet cookie dough together again lol! well its 8:40 and i think im mostlikely straining your eyes with my many words of love so i think ill stop now.... NEVERMIND... HE HE i love you sarah. i hope you have funn with whatever you are doing and as soon as you get back ill be in you bed waiting. just waiting. waithing for you and your buzzum.hope i see you soon. MISS YOUU!!!!!!!!!for everyday that i dont see you ill cut a strand of hair and ill give them to you so that if we ever get sepperated you can hire the FBI and give them my hair strand and they will hunt me down and we will reunite and everything will be grand and will all fold perfectly together like an orgami swan. he he my fingers are hurting so i think ill stop typeing for now.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
wow that was a long line of dotts. well anywho im gunna go jam out to some of our songs so i guess ill be back later call me or ill kill you lol
BYE BYE
~~~~~~SnAbBy~~~~~~"
SOOO, I have another reason to slap Tristan. But, then again, according to a Chinese Proverb "The greatest speaker speaks few words." But than again, I didn't find too much hidden meaning in Tristan's message. Just a lie (I love him more).
Thus, I display the difference between much and little love, or maybe the difference between male and female. Shall we ever discover the mental difference between the two mystifying species? Alas, we may never know.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Eternity (Hurray for crappy poems! This one has no relevant topic. I just put some stuff together...in five minutes o' course)
Friday, June 20, 2008
Sitting in a room with the AC turned up way to high and feeling enlightened
Well, today is the last day I will spend in Florida, meaning that I must get up at four in the morning tomorrow for another twenty-two hour drive, which takes two days. Sure, it DOES get boring, but I do have several books and an ipod, which can provide hours of entertainment to keep me preoccupied. And I have the game "Phase" on my ipod, which is like guitar hero, and I admit that I've been playing it a bit more than I've been playing my guitar lately....
But once I'm back in Michigan, I get to go back to all of my old activities. Guitar lessons, kung-fu, camping, my job, and my NEWEST activity and hobby, scuba diving.
Once my dad sends me the pictures he took of me in the ocean, I'll post them. It's so awesome to think that I can finally do something more than snorkeling after all the years of watching my parents set up their scuba equipment (cuz now I got my own!). No more star gazing on night dives or sitting around in the swimming area at the quarry! Bwahaha! It makes me feel so much more educated too. I learned about all the equipment, the three main parts (BCD, tank, and reg) and about all the things you can get from diving (nitrogen narcosis, decompression sickness, decompression illness), and how to plan dives, establish neutral buoyancy, the buddy system, and all that boodle. I learned it all on the internet in three days, and then spent two days out in the ocean and in the pool. Only yesterday did I get my certification as a Jr. Open Water Diver (Which basically means I can dive wherever and whenever I want, as long as I don't exceed the depth of sixty feet, or dive without a parent until I'm fifteen).
So I've done a lot over (all the girls in the bathroom talking....who they gonna take to the Sadie Hawkins....just love that song) the past two weeks, and am ready to go home and see all my friends again. Of course I've been missing them. Especially Tristan. Mostly Tristan. But I miss Hannah, Amanda, and Gaby a lot too. And basically everyone else.
Hm....so, I think I'll post a descriptive post about Key West. And maybe I'll write a poem or be lazy and post song lyrics.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Palm Trees
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.
Do you know where I am? Do you know that outside my window is the ocean? The glossy lips of the water kissing the sand? Did you know that the weather is warm? I have a tan? The palm trees are waving? The water a washin'? Are you jealous?
I would be.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Grumble
I'm going to make a lousy attempt to write a post. So here I am. Just throwing words at the computer. But they mean nothing. Flat and thin words that have no significance. Blown away by the wind. Blown away to reveal a giant blank spot in the middle of the page.
No meaning, no nothing. Now just a jumble of letters floating in time. A bunch of....gobbledygook.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Craving
I had a sudden craving for Monster today...completely unexplainable on my part. I remember when I first tried Red Bull, and thought it was repulsive. Then, all of a sudden, I felt like gulping down an energy drink, when I grimaced at the taste? To me, it tastes too sweet, like melted smarties mixed in with carbonated water. But it was so good. I had to have it. So I did. And now I'm typing a mile a minute. Hehe. Well, I only have to get up at four o'clock tomorrow morning. *leh sigh* It's the end of the year Chicago trip, which requires us to get to school at 5:30 am, and not get back at out hotel until about ten. It's going to be crowded in the next couple of days...and like I told my mom, it's just school in another city.
But we get to see all sorts of landmarks, like the aquarium and the Sears Tower. Things that you can only go to Chicago to see. And we get to see the Blue Man Group. I love them. I saw them in Orlando with Hannah. Very funny too.
Well, I have to catch you up on a few things. Well, first of all, Friday was Metro Beach, which was a blast, since I got to spend the entire day with Tristan and Gaby. We took time asking each other questions that we were curious about the opposite sex on the little island a bit away from where the rest of our group was. (I'm NOT repeating the questions here for Tristan's sake. We asked him VERY personal information. Hehe. He only asked questions like "How does your mind work?" or "How do you vent out your emotions?" Gaby and I had much more fun.)
And, the time I had alone with Tristan was fun. Really, really, really fun. Okay, don't let your imagination go too wild there.
And then we had the state track meet today, my relay team coming in fourth over all. Which is really good, because we got a medal.
Well, I got to go, because I'm on my mother's computer, and I'm all anxious my parents will find out about my blog. No way in hell will I let that happen.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Feel
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Back at the Bad Bitch
She's a bitch, oh yes she is.
Shorter than most, her hair is the only thing that has body. She's short, stubby, with a face curled into a prune. Her nose sticks out much like a beak. Watch out, you might get close-lined. Her eyes are beady and unintelligent, just looking at her makes you want to do something dramatic (like kill her and then yourself). She gets her pleasure by watching kids struggle, and putting in insulting input ever now and again. No one really likes her, she's unmarried, for an obvious reason, and everyone is out to get her. She's the track coach from hell, takes no pity, and certainly gets none of her own.
With all of our combined efforts, all our anger focused to one place, her. I wanted, with all my heart, for her to burst into flames. Instead, I got something else. Maybe not as good, but it'll work. With an angry whirlwind that was possibly sent from God, papers fly from her binder, all around the track, high in the sky, shining in the glorious sun. I try not to cry from laughing so hard, it's just the way she looked so stunned...over the trees, into the highway, her papers flew, who knew what they had written on them. It was amazing.
It made my day, actually. She smiled, pretending to get over it, but I know in her mind she was probably thinking, "Oh, f*ck this." It was beautiful. Tristan said that it would have been a good picture. I agree.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Love love love
Ah, why bother? Love is a bitch. Hand in hand with life. A hard-core sonofabitch. It's almost pointless. But the emotional roller coaster is too hard to resist. Why would I want a boyfriend then? Well, I like him and all, a lot, A LOT, more than anyone else who may like him, I know, because I get that feeling, that special feeling. Aye, you wouldn't understand. No one understands.
Because I'm feeling in one of those wishy-washy moods, I'm going to tell you about him. Mine as well.
Tristan is his name. Known him since 6th grade, first time I laid eyes on him he was stuffing his face with cotton candy. I'll never forget that. My first site of the guy I would eventually be dating. Not that I thought he was a weirdo or anything, but he is pretty weird. No such thing as normal. He's fun to make laugh, and is enjoyable to tickle, and gives a-m-a-z-i-n-g massages. Supportive, funny, fun to talk to, and all around great personality. He's in love with photography, and takes pictures of everything. The sky, the ground, the sun, me, a tree, a bug, a person walking by, and basically anything that passes within his field of vision. He has one of those $350 professional cameras that take really high-detail and amazing pictures (he's shown me a lot of his pictures, they're really nice). I can talk to him about a lot of stuff...basically...anything. Never short of words. Unless neither of us are in the mood. Then maybe we'll lay down, me with my head on his chest, and look at the clouds. He's got really nice eyes, green-blue, like mine, except with a hint more emerald color to them. I love how he looks at me sometimes. I love it. Love love love it. I love his hair too. It's adorable. I want to play with it all the time. Just a bit lighter than mine, in a too-cute mushroom hair cut that cuts right above his eyebrows. He's muscular, works out, and says he has an eight-pack. We'll find out about that. I admit that I love it when he sweats because his hair is all messed up and pushed back to reveal more of his face, and his cheeks all red like he's blushing. It looks....hot. I think so. I just...love him. He's the first guy to call me beautiful. Hell, my dad hasn't even said that. It shows he has more of a sensitive side too, instead of a just rock-hard heart. I hate guys like that. I love guys like him, but him most of all. I also love his laugh. It makes me smile. His smile is great too....he's great. And I'm not over-exaggerating, normally girls get all googly-eyed over one guy, saying he's great, when he turns out to be a cold-hearted bastard. I know Tristan isn't like that. I know for sure.
Today we had this conversation...I was feeling a bit low..because a friend has been giving me a hard time, and it was Tuesdays. I hate Tuesdays.
Me: This sucks. I want to go home and kill myself.
Tristan: Noooo, don't kill yourself.
Me: Why not?
Tristan: Who's going to be the next J.K. Rowling then?
God I love him.
Monday, May 26, 2008
In Your Arms (wrote this in four minutes, don't expect anything great)
Friday, May 23, 2008
But life goes on...
It always does, and it always will. I have other things to worry about, and other ways to occupy myself. School's coming to a close, and that makes me happy. I know I love to learn, but I'm sick of a lot of stuff. And I'm mad because I got a damn 92 on my English paper, while most of the kids got better. NOT because of my writing, thanktheLord, but because of formatting. When I write I don't pay attention to formatting. Who cares? But I must strive to reach those oh-so-wonderful MLA standards. Ohhh, I can't wait for high school. Oh well, maybe my teacher will like me better. And maybe it'll be vise-versa.
Ahhhhh, I just went book shopping today. Actually it was clothes shopping time, but it always turns into book shopping. I was having a huge problem over choosing between five books. I had to put away two. I felt so sad. (But I did get the new Stephenie Meyer book, The Host, so I'm pretty psyched about that)
And we have a bridal shower to go to tomorrow. Or a wedding shower. Or something of the like. Not a baby shower though. I'm not that completely out of the loop. But it's for my bro's fiance, so it is a must. But it's cool because then I get off of work early. That's always a thumbs-up.
I'm going to attempt hooking onto some sleep despite my turmoiling emotions, so I'd best be going...
A huge sigh
Stuffy nose, throbbing eyes, bitting my lip, in my mind I want to scream, or beat something to a pulp. I want to pulverize, destroy, kill, and take out my anger at the moment. I know if I do, I might not have to direct it at someone I love.
I can't sleep, because I have so much emotion welled up inside me. I want to do some vigorous exercise, or go for a long walk listening to my ipod to blow of steam. Things aren't going as planned, and they never will, or at least, not for a while.
Let me tell you what gets me worked up most of all. Some things barely phase me, most of the time they don't even come close to affecting me, but there are certain things that just put me off the hook. Like being a teenager. The temporally. Just having everything be as a 'phase' and nothing more. Because I'm still growing and nothing stays the same. Guys, thoughts, opinions, reasons, hobbies, ambitions. Like a boat, continuously moving. I'm getting really seasick right now. Yep, sick of looking at the goddamn waves over the goddamn side of the goddamn boat. That goddamn horizon isn't helping either. It's moving with the rest of the world.
How lousy. Lousy, lousy, lousy. Everything is sooo lousy. I could get along with Holden Caulfield easily. I wonder if he had problems when he was thirteen too? I betcha he did.
So here's the point, I mine as well get directly to it, since there's not purpose in stalling.
I love Tristan. Tristan loves me. Hannah loves Tristan. Tristan has no interest. Hannah is upset. Hannah wants me to back off. Hannah has been crying every night since I've told her. It's been one night since Hannah found off. I am mad. I think that if she is so goddamn miserable, maybe she should do what I used to do when I used to get mad or upset a year ago. Do you want to know what I did? No. Because it was pointless. It was the shittiest thing I could have done. Suck it up. That's what I want to say. I pray that she doesn't read this, because deep down, I love her, and I don't want to make her upset. But what if I like him? What if I love the way he looks at me? What if the reason this all started is because he and I were really close? What if he was the first guy to say 'you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met'? What if he cares, and looks at me with actual concern? What if he cares enough to be afraid for Hannah and I's friendship? What if? Hmm?
I don't know what to say. I could either say, 'for the past year I've been sacrificing everything for my friends' or I could be saying 'for the past year I've been a total self-centered bitch'. But I don't know. It seems to change.
