A huge sigh

Stuffy nose, throbbing eyes, bitting my lip, in my mind I want to scream, or beat something to a pulp. I want to pulverize, destroy, kill, and take out my anger at the moment. I know if I do, I might not have to direct it at someone I love.
I can't sleep, because I have so much emotion welled up inside me. I want to do some vigorous exercise, or go for a long walk listening to my ipod to blow of steam. Things aren't going as planned, and they never will, or at least, not for a while.
Let me tell you what gets me worked up most of all. Some things barely phase me, most of the time they don't even come close to affecting me, but there are certain things that just put me off the hook. Like being a teenager. The temporally. Just having everything be as a 'phase' and nothing more. Because I'm still growing and nothing stays the same. Guys, thoughts, opinions, reasons, hobbies, ambitions. Like a boat, continuously moving. I'm getting really seasick right now. Yep, sick of looking at the goddamn waves over the goddamn side of the goddamn boat. That goddamn horizon isn't helping either. It's moving with the rest of the world.
How lousy. Lousy, lousy, lousy. Everything is sooo lousy. I could get along with Holden Caulfield easily. I wonder if he had problems when he was thirteen too? I betcha he did.
So here's the point, I mine as well get directly to it, since there's not purpose in stalling.
I love Tristan. Tristan loves me. Hannah loves Tristan. Tristan has no interest. Hannah is upset. Hannah wants me to back off. Hannah has been crying every night since I've told her. It's been one night since Hannah found off. I am mad. I think that if she is so goddamn miserable, maybe she should do what I used to do when I used to get mad or upset a year ago. Do you want to know what I did? No. Because it was pointless. It was the shittiest thing I could have done. Suck it up. That's what I want to say. I pray that she doesn't read this, because deep down, I love her, and I don't want to make her upset. But what if I like him? What if I love the way he looks at me? What if the reason this all started is because he and I were really close? What if he was the first guy to say 'you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met'? What if he cares, and looks at me with actual concern? What if he cares enough to be afraid for Hannah and I's friendship? What if? Hmm?
I don't know what to say. I could either say, 'for the past year I've been sacrificing everything for my friends' or I could be saying 'for the past year I've been a total self-centered bitch'. But I don't know. It seems to change.